This blog is about polyamory, queerness, and sex positivity -- I will chronicle my musings, opinions, advice, adventures, and misadventures in open relationships and exploring my gender and sexuality. Come along for the ride!
I am an early 20's polyamorous queer and genderqueer sometimes-ladyish person looking to create a society of understanding and acceptance of polyamory and sex positivity. Since most people are either unaware, unsupportive, or have misconceptions of polyamory, this blog is critical. And awesome. And will definitely make you smile. That's what really matters in the world, right? Right.
The most important thing about this blog is that it's here not just for me, but for you. With such a small (but growing!) polyamorous community online, it's important that we advocate for each other and speak up. This is my way of doing so. Please feel free to ask me questions or request topics for me to speak on.
[And peruse the links below for a better understanding of what Polycule is all about.]
And a refresher for anyone who might be new.
So I was in a relationship for a year and a half, which ended in January (it does NOT feel like it’s been that long). That was a really hard and traumatizing and painful and damaging thing, both the relationship itself and the breakup, and I’m still putting the pieces together.
One of the things that made this thing a lot easier to handle was an unexpected relationship starting in May with an acquaintance/friend of my friends. He lives 4 hours away and we just sort of stumbled into a relationship but have been incredibly happy and I’m so lucky that he’s completely amazing. He’s excited about polyamory but new to it, so I have been revisiting a lot of concepts that I thought I’d mastered, having conversations that I have already managed in my own thoughts. It’s good for me to work through these things with him because it’s a humbling experience to remember that I’m not some poly expert who’s immune to the struggles simply because I have two years under my belt and he has zero. We’ve both felt jealousy, we’ve both struggled to talk about it, we’ve both discussed solutions and perceived future challenges, and we’re really close because of it. Long distance is incredibly hard, and frankly I hate it. But seeing him every few weeks is a million times better than not having him a part of my life at all.
About a month ago I also started seeing someone that lives here in New York. She’s absolutely incredible and I get butterflies just thinking about her. This is the first time in nearly a year and a half that I’ve been in two relationships at once, and it’s definitely different than the last time this happened: my long-distance love is new to this, he’s not necessarily interested in meeting my new partner, and I feel incredibly strong feelings for her right away which is new to me. I’m also used to dating poly people who have been poly for a long time, and who know and are friends with each other, so not having that component will take some getting used to. She’s in an open relationship with her live-in partner, which I’m super grateful for because I get really nervous dating people who aren’t polyamorous.
It will be an interesting journey navigating these relationships and trying to weave them together when they seem so separate. I’ve never been one for keeping parts of my life divided, so this will be a challenge for me.
The main poly-related struggles right now are: 1) how much to divulge to my long-distance love, as he is new to this and unsure of what sort of information he’ll be comfortable having. 2) navigating two relationships that aren’t at all connected. In the past I’ve only ever seriously dated people who were good friends, and were comfortable spending time together as a unit. It doesn’t seem like this will be the case when my partner is in town. 3) I fear inadvertently and accidentally creating a hierarchy with these two relationships, which I have always tried to avoid. One feels more close to me because of the time we’ve been together, the other feels more close because she is literally closer to me in distance. I worry that I’ll find myself in a position of feeling like I’ll be “demoting” my long-distance partner if I end up building a really intimate relationship with my close-distance partner. I want to do my best to maintain equality without depriving either relationship of a thing it might need or deserve.
So - this is where my life is now. It’s new and incredible and a wild adventure that I’ve never done before and I’m so unbelievably excited for these two amazing people being a part of my life.
For being totally the worst parent of a blog. I am just so neglectful lately. I spend 10-11 hours a day at work writing and looking at a computer and my desire to do that at home has been….not great.
I’ve also put myself back in therapy after being a strong ass motherfucker who realized I was not strong at all and depression is totally a thing. So I’ve been doing a lot of ~~thinking~~ and ~~fixing myself~~ which is frankly totally exhausting.
[Side note: one of the strongest motherfuckerist things you can do is recognize that you’re not strong and that therapy is necessary and then make changes to get better.]
BUT the good news is I care about you all and I care about this blog and I care about its therapeutic effect on me and so I’m going to do better.
I am also HOPEFULLY going to revive the video blog next week. It was so much fun and it got totally overlooked when LIFE WENT INSANE so I’m going to try and fix that even though life is still THE WEIRDEST. I am also going to address the months worth of questions in my inbox, so if you sent something in the past few months, I haven’t forgotten about you.
I love you guys. Thank you all for being as amazing and supportive as you are. It’s good to be home.
A thing that’s hard about polyamory is that you can be really excited about how amazing one person makes you feel, and simultaneously be heartbroken over another. But yet you can still be okay.
It’s hard and it’s confusing and it feels itchy on your insides, but it’s liberating and empowering, too. I know now that heartbreak can’t paralyze me, that it can’t numb me. I can still feel beautiful feelings through the hurt. I can ache and I can love at the same time, because opening myself up to more than one person at a time means that I am open to multiple depths of emotions at the same time.
Sometimes I feel so many things, the good and the bad all swirling together, that I think my chest might explode. And it’s the most overwhelming and amazing feeling in the world.
I’m grateful for the aching. It reminds me that it doesn’t consume me, that it doesn’t swallow me whole and take my other loves down with me. It allows me to feel every inch of sadness, but it also allows me to be open to the beautiful things I’m feeling, too.
I was never good at being vulnerable before, but polyamory doesn’t have time for that. Vulnerable is all we have. It’s what everything else builds on.
And I come back and have broken 1,000 followers!?
You guys are the fucking tits. Seriously.
I never thought my musings about starting this new phase of my life and exploring polyamory would have such a profound effect on me and you. The letters you all send me about how I’ve helped you, or how I’ve given you insight in a tough time, or helped you see something in a new light — I cherish all of this, really. It’s so amazing and humbling and encouraging to be able to be there for you all. To see how we can help each other, how we are all working together to make this crazy thing work for us, it’s beyond words.
I’m speechless. I love every one of you. You’ve made this amazing. You’ve built this blog into something incredible for so many people. I cannot thank you enough.
Reposting this from awhile back — it’s been on my mind again lately.
Part of the reason I am so passionate about this “purity movement,” and how destructive it is, is because I used to be a victim of it. I never participated in a purity ball, but when I was 15 I vowed to remain abstinent until marriage, because I thought it was what god wanted me to do, and that it was what I had to do in order to remain whole and worthy as a christian. I honestly didn’t think I had a choice, this is just what women were supposed to do. After several years of guilt and shame surrounding every sexual act I participated in, I realized that, basically, it was all bullshit. Recently on facebook I posted this video about purity balls, with the caption “This makes me sick.” Someone (a religious fanatic) sent me a message in response to the video asking, “What is it about purity that makes you sick?” And below is the response I gave her. I stand by every single word in here, and cannot stress enough how truly destructive I think this movement is to young people, women especially:
I am not against people abstaining from sex, but the purity movement has proven not only counter-productive, but dangerous. Young people without proper knowledge of all the facts are far more likely to end up with STDs or pregnant. Several abstinence-only sex education programs actually lie to students about contraception to scare them out of using it (like that using condoms can cause cancer). And the abstinence movement has not done anything to lower the number of young people that are sexually active. Girls who take purity pledges are, based on extensive research, just as likely to have premarital sex as girls who don’t, except they’re at a higher risk for STDs and unwanted pregnancies, and often made to feel incredible guilt and shame for what they’ve done. 82% of girls that make purity pledges will break them. This is not their fault, its the fault of these flawed and overwhelming and unrealistic pledges they are taking. It’s the fault of, like what I experienced, shame for not choosing to take a purity pledge. A purity ring was my only option, it’s the only thing that kept me from feeling worthless. My value as a woman was tied to my purity, and without it, it was implied that I had no value.
If someone chooses at a reasonable age to abstain, I’d support them. But a movement that asks girls as young as five years old to commit to a specific lifestyle seems irresponsible. I would argue that even at 15, I was too young to have a comprehensive grasp of what it meant. I’d never been in a real relationship, I had no concept of what that journey toward marriage would look like. In my eyes, it was a no-brainer, because I had no context for what I would actually want for the next 10-15 years of my life. Making that kind of decision at such a young age hindered me from being able to be self-reflective and introspective about what I wanted, what my options were, and who I wanted to be.
Purity balls are misogynistic in nature, because they are demanding that a girl’s father be the gatekeeper to her sexuality. I am, of course, a supporter of positive influences and strong relationships between fathers and daughters, but it’s archaic to make a promise like that to your father, and hold it until you are metaphorically passed from father to husband. It’s telling a young woman she has no ownership of her own sexuality, that the decision is essentially not her own to make. Sure, she can (in some cases) choose not to participate in the purity ball, but the implication is that she can’t go back on her word once she makes that choice without serious repercussions and shame from her family, friends, and church.
The double standard in purity balls simply perpetuates the image of the docile submissive woman who’s sexuality is far inferior to her male counterparts. There is no such thing as a purity ball for men, and there seems to be much less emphasis on men’s purity. The implications of this run deep, and become dangerously ingrained into young women that they owe themselves to someone else (their father, and then their husband), that it’s the woman’s job to maintain purity for her future husband, and not for herself, and that she must be abstinent to be a good person. This doesn’t even begin to cover the fact that the purity movement only centers around heterosexual relationships, further perpetuating the fact that Christianity largely doesn’t accept anything but abstinent-til-marriage heterosexual relationships.
My biggest problem with the purity movement is that it implies a woman’s worth lies within her decision to have sex. I don’t think I’m any less of a good and valuable person because of my decisions, and it’s offensive to be told that I’m immoral and that I should feel guilty because the way I’m living is “wrong.” To tie purity to sexual activity really means we are being judged pure or impure on one factor alone. There seems to be no consideration for tying a woman’s worth to her compassion, kindness, generosity, strength, or intelligence. People I’ve heard defending purity balls claim that “purity” is an all-inclusive word that promotes purity of mind, spirit, and body, but in all the research I’ve done, and in my experience living it, the only aspect I’ve seen anyone focus on at all, is purity of the body, and it’s done so in a way that tells us it’s the only thing that matters.
Like I said, if someone is making a decision to abstain, at an age where they are old enough to understand it, and free from pressure from their family or church, I would absolutely stand behind them. But purity balls and abstinence-only sex education simply force dangerous ideals on young women that divorce women from their own bodies and take away their chance to make their own decisions that they’ll be able to live with, guilt-free.
2012 was the most formative year I’ve had in my young life so far (with the exception of like, when I learned to walk and stuff). It’s interesting to reflect on, but more productive to look ahead. Here’s to another trip around the sun that will be even more exciting and life-changing than the last.
“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Here are two of the happiest photos of me from this year:
And here was me and C exactly 366 days ago, celebrating a year I had no idea would mean so much. Everything is so different and yet so familiar:
Your cute life sickens my jaded heart. :P
I’m sorry that i’m not sorry that my adorable life is bad for your jaded heart!
I just got really super lucky for this phase of my life, and am incredibly grateful for the time I get to exist like this, however long it may be. I’m valuing every second of it because one day it might all be different and I’ll want to have the tools to look back on this fondly, with all the love and affection I feel now towards the people in my life that are here changing everything.