Polycule

This is how my journey in polyamory began. I suppose it started back in college, when I was in a very serious (read: too serious) committed monogamous relationship. He and I seemed compatible at first, but as time went on, I wanted more. I loved him, and I wanted him to be an important part of my life. But I had a bigger capacity for love than just me and him, and I always felt like it was going to waste, that I was missing out on more people to love and experience.

In a series of bad choices leading to good lessons (love when that happens, right?), I started seeing someone else on the side. As awful as it was to be “a cheater,” I was happier with the two of them in my life than I ever had been when I was monogamous. It was hard to recognize and accept that, because I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it was opening me up to this world I finally felt like I had a place in. I’d heard of polyamory, and in finally understanding how it could fit in my life, I wanted it. I wanted it the right way, with consent and acknowledgment from all involved partners. But I knew my boyfriend would never go for it. Eventually I terminated the relationship, knowing it was unhealthy for me to be in a relationship where I wasn’t being fulfilled, and unhealthy for him to be in a dishonest one. Trust me when I say this: cheating is not worth it. If you are feeling attracted to others, discuss it with your partner. I know this conversation can be horrifying, but if those emotions are there, they need to be addressed. Even if it means the end of your relationship, they need to know the truth, and you can’t continue living in a relationship where you aren’t able to fulfill everything you want from the world. Cheating is one of those mistakes I will only make once. I learned my lesson. I’m grateful for the experience, because it led me to polyamory and the amazing place I’m at now, but please believe me when I say the emotional toll it takes on you is just. not. worth. it.

Oh..I should backtrack for a second. The boyfriend and I (we will call him L) were together over the course of almost 3 years, on and off. About a year and a half into the relationship we went on a “break,” because I felt that I needed to experience more outside of the relationship and be with other people (being that I was young and this was my first serious relationship). I met Z, and he and I decided we didn’t want anything serious or exclusive, so we opted for an open relationship. I suppose you could consider this my first experience dipping my feet into polyamory, though it was a disaster. It wasn’t truly what either of us wanted, and he ended up leaving me for the first girl he met while we were together and becoming monogamous on their first date (dumping me via text 2 days before Valentine’s day, but that’s a story for another time).

Okay. So fast forward to May 2011. I’m newly single, finally out of this unhealthy relationship with L, and I feel amazing. I have the whole world at my feet, endless potential, blah blah blah. I knew I wanted to date and meet people, as I’ve never been interested in just casual sex, but exclusivity hadn’t worked for me in the past. I knew several people in the tumblr community who were polyamorous, and the more I talked about it with them and the more I read about it, it just felt right. It felt like I’d found the place I would finally feel like I could be myself.

So I started dating around, nothing serious, spent the summer of 2011 having the time of my life. The man with whom I had been cheating was still very important in my life throughout these months, but we both were interested in finding more concrete relationships, so we never became exclusive. I met so many incredible people and I was amazed at the capacity I had for more than one significant person in my life. I was getting little bits and pieces of what polyamory could mean to me, but still hadn’t met anyone I was interested in beyond a summer fling.

Come September of 2011, and I meet C through a dating site. Our first date is at a science fair (this should tell you a lot about our relationship). We hit it off almost immediately, and I was so comfortable with him that I broke my “no sex on the first date” rule (worth it). We discussed his polyamorous relationships, and while it scared me, in the way new and intriguing things can be scary, I was excited. He had the dynamics I knew I’d be most comfortable with, and we seemed to be looking for the same things.

So, here’s the polycule as it stands currently. C’s best friend S is married to a beautiful woman, who I’ll call B. S and B had been toying with the idea of opening their marriage, and when they met C it all seemed to fit. The three of them moved in together, and B became involved with both of them. C always describes the three of them as having very intimate and close relationships, though it’s never physical between him and S (they are both straight). You still with me? Confused? S and B are married, C is dating B, C and S are bromancin’ it up. The three of them lived together for a year, and about a month after C moved out of their place is when he and I met. Of course, S and B are in a primary relationship, as they are married. C was looking for a primary relationship of his own, which I think is why he moved out of their apartment, but continued to date B for several months, and even now the two of them have a very intimate friendship, though I wouldn’t necessarily call it a romantic one. S and I also dated for several months, but are now just good friends.

After a few months of finagling and figuring out what we want, C and I figured it out. It certainly took some getting used to and a lot of conversations about how we wanted our relationship to look, especially since I was new to polyamory. From where I’m standing, C’s the person in my life I care for most. Through all the people I’ve dated since my relationship with C, his has stuck out as the one I can count on most. Currently, I am also seeing another gentleman I knew in college, and C and I both pursue dates with others pretty regularly, though he is not currently seeing anyone else consistently. That’s the status of my relationships currently. They will continue evolving and growing and changing, but this is how it all began, and brings us to today.

What about jealousy, you may be asking. Of course there is jealousy. It creeps up when things go wrong, or when someone is feeling insecure. As B likes to put it, in her adorable French accent, it can make us feel small. She likes to use this terminology instead of jealousy, and I think it fits. No one likes to feel small, and that can be the case in any monogamous relationship as well. I could talk endlessly about the causes and solutions for jealousy, but all I really need to say is, yes, it does happen, and I will address it often on this blog. But generally it stems from an insecurity that simply needs to be discussed, and if determined irrational, I can easily let it go. Usually all I need is that reassurance that I’m not small.