Polycule

"Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty..."

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 19:26:28 -0400

“Almost everyone first realized they were becoming a grown woman when some dude did something nasty to them. “I was walking home from ballet and a guy in a car yelled, ‘Lick me!’” “I was babysitting my younger cousins when a guy drove by and yelled, ‘Nice ass.’” There were pretty much zero examples like “I first knew I was a woman when my mother and father took me out to dinner to celebrate my success on the debate team.” It was mostly men yelling shit from cars. Are they a patrol sent out to let girls know they’ve crossed into puberty? If so, it’s working.”

- Tina Fey, Bossypants (via datassguardian)

Passing on body hatred | Dear mum...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 16:11:39 -0400

Passing on body hatred | Dear mum...:

I’m not crying there are just feels in my eye.

giraffesonjupiter: polycule: My friend Miri (HBIC over at...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 00:22:33 -0400

giraffesonjupiter:

polycule:

My friend Miri (HBIC over at freethoughtblogs), had a really lovely conversation on okcupid, in which she is told to “deal with” being “taken primally” because “most women” like it.

TOO BAD UR A FEMINIST DEAR.

And feel free to refer to all your friends as “feminist buttplug” from now on.

She literally just said no and this guy interprets it as her having the problem. Buddy, I think you’re the one with the problem here.

Motion to get #feministbuttplug trending on every social media platform all those in favor say AYE.

My friend Miri (HBIC over at freethoughtblogs), had a really...

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 14:32:09 -0400

My friend Miri (HBIC over at freethoughtblogs), had a really lovely conversation on okcupid, in which she is told to “deal with” being “taken primally” because “most women” like it.

TOO BAD UR A FEMINIST DEAR.

And feel free to refer to all your friends as “feminist buttplug” from now on.

Oh good, a rape joke at E3 Microsoft. On stage. While insulting...

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 16:33:39 -0400

Oh good, a rape joke at E3 Microsoft. On stage. While insulting a female for losing while playing a video game. How nice.

aheartbeatchanged: Attention assholes: don’t sexually harass a...

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 12:23:57 -0400

aheartbeatchanged:

Attention assholes: don’t sexually harass a girl when she can easily find you on Facebook and send your mom proof of your perpetuation of rape culture.

Moral of the day? Don’t mess with me.

I think I’m in love with this girl. I really hope she made good on that threat.

lady88: Today we would have celebrated our 5th wedding...

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 14:31:05 -0400

lady88:

Today we would have celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.

I thought June 8th would be so much harder for me…but here it is, and somehow I feel even more at wonderfully unexpected peace with the decisions that she made and the separate lives we now live.

What no one tells us enough is that people are absolutely going to break you. It’s unavoidable. People you love will leave you. People you trust will bring you to your knees with a breed of heartache you never imagined. And then…just when you’re about to accept the sadness you can’t shake, things will all start to make sense. You will open your eyes after crying for weeks on end and see something or someone in the mirror that you never thought possible.

When Natalie started talking about not wanting to be married, she would repeatedly say, “I want to WANT to be here”. At the time it sounded like a sad excuse for giving up on us, but it makes so much sense to me now.

You can have all the love in the world for a person, or even for the life you share with them…and you can still not really “want” to be there no matter how hard you try.

I thought I would cry my way through June 8th for the rest of my days. But somehow, when I was least expecting it, I found myself thriving inside the wake of our past life. Somehow today is just another day.

When we were getting married I knew she was doing it for me, and not at all for her. She never believed in the process of, or the longevity of marriage. She loved me, and she thought that would be enough. Love just isn’t always enough.

I woke up this morning wrapped in the arms of someone who wants to be nowhere else but next to me. I realize now that falling for someone who falls back just as hard for me is something I have never experienced before.

I loved being a wife. I loved being her wife in particular. There was nothing I was as proud of as my marriage. But it was effortless for me. I never had to try to “want” to be there. I was always exactly where I wanted to be.

Realizing that my happiness was essentially trapping the person I loved most was one of the hardest things to comprehend.

There was a day when she said to me, “you drive over the Sauvie Island bridge every day and can’t wait to be home…I drive over it every day and wonder how I’m going to keep on pretending to be here”. There were tears in her eyes and I could feel my heart break in a way I can’t explain.

Now, I drive over that bridge everyday and I still can’t wait to be home. It may not be coming home to her, but it is more of a home now than I ever imagined.

I know that Natalie is where she wants to be. I know she is WHO she wants to be. I know she’s truly, genuinely happy, and so am I, and for that I am more grateful than I can ever articulate. I’m thankful that she had the courage to leave. If it weren’t for her leaving I would never have found myself.

I will be a wife again. It wasn’t in her nature, but it’s ingrained in mine. It’s who I am. I want a life with the woman I love that includes vows, and a day full of happy tears, and things that I never had with Natalie…a first dance, a wedding song, a ‘will you marry me’.

For some time I felt like I didn’t deserve to have any of that again…as if people would roll their eyes at the notion of me taking vows once more. But I want a to build a home around a family, and love someone for the rest of my days, and I’m not ashamed to still want these things in due time.

I will have love.

I will live happily ever after.

Happy June 8th. Today is just another beautiful day.

Proof that break-ups will break you and then rebuild you into even more of the you that you could be.

lol what do you think about that diet everyones talking about? i actually did it a few months ago and it works fast as shit. (no spaces) TUMBLR SUMMER DIET { d o t } COM

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 10:10:32 -0400

lol sorry I couldn’t hear you over the chocolate croissant and cold pizza I’m having for breakfast.

Legal recognition for those who don't identify as either 'M' or 'F'

Thu, 06 Jun 2013 15:02:00 -0400

Legal recognition for those who don't identify as either 'M' or 'F':

People who do not identify as male or female have achieved formal legal recognition in Australia for the first time, after the NSW Court of Appeal overturned a ruling that everyone must be listed as a man or a woman with the Registry of Births Deaths and Marriages.

The three-judge appeal panel unanimously declared that “as a matter of construction … the word sex does not bear a binary meaning of ‘male’ or ‘female’.”

THIS IS HUGE. I am really happy about this.

The world is my orgasm...that's how the saying goes, right?

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 20:46:00 -0400

Being polyamorous has opened me up to an entirely new perspective on relationships and relating.

Nobody fits into these neat little boxes anymore. There’s no checklist of requirements to fulfill in order to be labeled “partner” or “friend” or “lover.” I live in the gray area in between all of these neatly-defined roles that society wants for the people in our lives.

Sure, this complicates things. Some of the people I have had consistent sexual intimacy with are my “just friends,” some of the people I love the most I’ve never had romantic or intimate physicality with. It makes it harder to describe the relationships in your life, but I also find it much more freeing. The gray area can be the most empowering place to be.

And of course, this isn’t true of just poly people, but for me, polyamory is the avenue by which I discovered these possibilities, and my life is so much richer and more complex and amazing because of the freedom I’ve grabbed onto - the freedom to define people in my life in the way that is best suited for us, rather than the tired, irrelevant, unhelpful labels that society offers.

"It is illegal for women to go topless in most cities, yet you can buy a magazine of a woman without..."

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 19:17:07 -0400

““It is illegal for women to go topless in most cities, yet you can buy a magazine of a woman without her top on at any 7-11 store. So, you can sell breasts, but you cannot wear breasts, in America.””

- Violet Rose (via lauva)

Breaking news on emergency contraception

Wed, 05 Jun 2013 18:02:30 -0400

plannedparenthood:

“Generic versions of emergency contraception can be sold without a prescription or age restrictions while the federal government appeals a judge’s ruling allowing the sales, an appeals court said Wednesday.”

via the Washington Post

STOCK UP BEFORE THEY CHANGE THEIR MINDS

Just purchased my first binder! Sorry tits, you’re not welcome here.

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 23:58:31 -0400

Just purchased my first binder! Sorry tits, you’re not welcome here.

Question, if you have the time... Do you have any tips for calling out someone that you really care about, but is practicing bad polyamory? IE, not respecting their primary partner's boundaries, badmouthing them, etc., but you really don't want to freak them out because they're a close friend? :|

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 23:54:00 -0400

It depends on why you want to have that conversation with them. If it’s because you’re looking to be self-righteous, then just stop right there because no one will gain anything from that.

If it’s because you care about them and their partners and think you’re seeing things from a perspective they don’t have, there are gentle and respectful ways to have that conversation. The best way to try and understand a person’s choices and actions (which you need to do before you offer your opinions and advice) is to simply ask. “Hey I notice you and Talulah have this agreement to do X, how is that going?” rather than “you swore you and Talulah would do X and you aren’t doing that.”

It’s not your place, even for a close friend, to pass judgment and offer unsolicited advice. If by way of asking questions to try and understand them better you discover that they’re looking for input, or that their judgment is clouded and they want an outside perspective, you can take that chance. But again, gently and respectfully. Chances are you don’t know the whole story, and there’s certainly a chance that your friend just doesn’t realize they’re doing things disrespectfully and an outsider perspective might be helpful for them. But in a way that won’t cause them to jump to being defensive, otherwise the conversation will just immediately shut down and your friend will be hurt.

If this is about genuinely wanting to help your friend treat people better, just ask them questions about their relationships and how they want to be treated and how their partners are feeling and what they believe is fair and just. Opening up a dialogue is the best way to share opinions together and learn from each other.

I think those are all totally valid reasons. I really dislike...

Tue, 04 Jun 2013 23:40:00 -0400

I think those are all totally valid reasons. I really dislike going to parties where I only know one person, especially when they are the host, because you don’t want to feel the need to monopolize their time and you also don’t want them to feel obligated to pay attention to you all night.

Tell him all these things, let him know that it has nothing to do with disliking his partner or not being comfortable with her - you have plenty of reasons not to be crazy about going to this party. Maybe ask him what the situation would be like: who, if anyone, will know the kind of relationship you have. If no one knows and he wants to keep it a secret, that’s something worth discussing. You can also ask him if he would be okay with you bringing a friend, so that at least you have someone to stand by your side while you mingle with a ton of new people.

This isn’t a situation unique to polyamory at all, this sort of weird social paradigm happens anytime a friend invites you to a thing where you don’t know anyone else. I am a social butterfly so a lot of times I don’t mind being in circumstances like that, but I always prefer to have at least one other person to latch onto, which is why bringing a friend would ease a lot of the awkwardness.

The important piece here is to take care of yourself. Don’t go if it will give you anxiety, but make sure the two of them both know why you aren’t going so that it doesn’t cause unnecessary drama about disliking his partner.

Just make sure you look out for you. You’re the most important person to keep an eye on.

So I sent the guy I just started seeing some sexy photos the other night. He showed them to his wife, without asking me. Do I have a right to be offended by this or should I have expected that he would show them to his wife? Do I have to clarify that those are for him and not for his other partners?

Fri, 31 May 2013 07:57:25 -0400

This is an interesting aspect of polyamory that not many people talk about - non-physical boundaries between partners. What can you spill about your date? What photos are off-limits? Can they talk about your kids to other partners? A lot of boundaries exist around things that aren’t the bedroom stuff, and they have equal weight in a relationship and need to be talked about explicitly and often.

You absolutely have the right to be offended. 100%. If he tried to use polyamory as his defense for sharing them, you can tell him that is a reasonable idea but when it comes to your bodily autonomy, you are in charge. You’re the one who gets to decide who sees your body, whether in person or on camera, and it’s his responsibility to tell you what he plans to do with those photos.

It’s important to lay those ground rules, and you have to feel safe speaking up about it. You can simply tell him that when you share things with him it’s under the agreement that it’s only for him unless you EXPLICITLY state otherwise.

He may not have meant to do this maliciously; my guess is he probably didn’t mean any harm by it and only thought an open relationship was a pass to be open about everything, which is true for some people but its only appropriate if everyone agrees to it. I would be incredibly hurt and uncomfortable if someone I was seeing shared intimacy that was meant for them with another partner without letting me know first.

You have the right to feel your feelings, don’t let him talk you out of those feelings. And now you have the responsibility of expressing to him how you feel, and if he’s uncomfortable with not sharing everything with his wife, the two of you need to have an extensive talk about boundaries.

For example, I love talking intimate details of steamy happenings with other partners, because I love the openness it provides, but I only do so when that partner gives very clear consent that I am free to talk about something very personal and private about them. The same should go for photos. It’s a hard conversation to have and you might feel small or silly because of it, but dating a married person is hard and he may just be used to things belonging to “them” rather than being private for him.

But yes, the short answer is yes. You’re allowed to be offended and you have to discuss your boundaries with him, and I’d say his wife as well if you have a relationship of any kind with her. Good luck, love! I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Long distance crushes are THE WORST. This has been a PSA.

Thu, 30 May 2013 20:50:11 -0400

Long distance crushes are THE WORST.

This has been a PSA.

The Problem with 'Boys Will Be Boys'

Thu, 30 May 2013 08:17:48 -0400

The Problem with 'Boys Will Be Boys':

I love you, Soraya.

For months, every morning when my daughter was in preschool, I watched her construct an elaborate castle out of blocks, colorful plastic discs, bits of rope, ribbons and feathers, only to have the same little boy gleefully destroy it within seconds of its completion.

No matter how many times he did it, his parents never swooped in BEFORE the morning’s live 3-D reenactment of “Invasion of AstroMonster.” This is what they’d say repeatedly:

“You know! Boys will be boys!”

“He’s just going through a phase!”

“He’s such a boy! He LOVES destroying things!”

“Oh my god! Girls and boys are SO different!”

“He. Just. Can’t. Help himself!”

I tried to teach my daughter how to stop this from happening. She asked him politely not to do it. We talked about some things she might do. She moved where she built. She stood in his way. She built a stronger foundation to the castle, so that, if he did get to it, she wouldn’t have to rebuild the whole thing. In the meantime, I imagine his parents thinking, “What red-blooded boy wouldn’t knock it down?”

She built a beautiful, glittery castle in a public space.

It was so tempting.

He just couldn’t control himself and, being a boy, had violent inclinations.

She had to keep her building safe.

Her consent didn’t matter. Besides, it’s not like she made a big fuss when he knocked it down. It wasn’t a “legitimate” knocking over if she didn’t throw a tantrum.

His desire — for power, destruction, control, whatever- - was understandable.

Maybe she “shouldn’t have gone to preschool” at all. OR, better if she just kept her building activities to home.

I know it’s a lurid metaphor, but I taught my daughter the preschool block precursor of don’t “get raped” and this child, Boy #1, did not learn the preschool equivalent of “don’t rape.”

Not once did his parents talk to him about invading another person’s space and claiming for his own purposes something that was not his to claim. Respect for her and her work and words was not something he was learning. How much of the boy’s behavior in coming years would be excused in these ways, be calibrated to meet these expectations and enforce the “rules” his parents kept repeating?

There was another boy who, similarly, decided to knock down her castle one day. When he did it his mother took him in hand, explained to him that it was not his to destroy, asked him how he thought my daughter felt after working so hard on her building and walked over with him so he could apologize. That probably wasn’t much fun for him, but he did not do it again.

There was a third child. He was really smart. He asked if he could knock her building down. She, beneficent ruler of all pre-circle-time castle construction, said yes… but only after she was done building it and said it was OK. They worked out a plan together and eventually he started building things with her and they would both knock the thing down with unadulterated joy. You can’t make this stuff up.

Take each of these three boys and consider what he might do when he’s older, say, at college, drunk at a party, mad at an ex-girlfriend who rebuffs him and uses words that she expects will be meaningful and respecte, “No, I don’t want to. Stop. Leave.”

The “overarching attitudinal characteristic” of abusive men is entitlement.

"The reason “It Gets Better” caught on with politicians and celebrities is because it’s great PR and..."

Wed, 29 May 2013 07:59:29 -0400

“The reason “It Gets Better” caught on with politicians and celebrities is because it’s great PR and it requires absolutely NOTHING from them in the way of real action.”

- someone on datalounge who I cannot quite disagree with (via aliapenny)

I just need that entire comment on my blog:

It’s just a bullshit PR campaign, nothing more. Telling kids to put up with bullying until they leave school is not constructive advice. It’s cruel. School boards, school administrators, teachers, etc., need to have zero tolerance policy for bullying. It’s not uncommon for teachers to bully unpopular kids themselves. That’s where the changes need to be made. But that requires action, and it requires standing up to conservatives who fight anti-bullying campaigns tooth and nail (often claiming that bullying gay people is a christian right). The reason “It Gets Better” caught on with politicians and celebrities is because it’s great PR and it requires absolutely NOTHING from them in the way of real action.

It’s cruelty to tell a kid to tolerate bullying. And to whom is this campaign even directed? The fat gay kids that Savage makes fun of himself? It’s a campaign aimed at good looking white boys with great bodies and upper middle class families. Yes, THEY will do better once they start hitting the gay bars. But for most average looking kids from working class families, they will find a gay community that’s often very much like High School, with cliques and teasing and rejection. Gay kids need to get support from society, and the kids that need that most are the kids that Savage himself would mock and demonize; kids of color, working class and poor kids, fat kids, kids with acne, and kids who are otherwise marginalized in society AND in our community.

Even when you look at the videos on YouTube, you see politicians who’ve come out against marriage equality, sports teams that would never accept a gay person in their ranks, and celebrities who just want some good press. The gay kids who participate are often great looking white boys, who you know will be accepted in the gay community, and are already leading charmed lives. It’s a campaign for the people Savage likes…sexy white male teenagers with athletic bodies who will be greeted with open arms.

I’ll take the campaign seriously when Savage speaks out on behalf of marginalized gay kids, and criticizes the gay community for iots racism and other prejudices. But he’s the biggest bigot and bully of the bunch, and that’s been proven from his many years as a “columnist.” I often couldn’t believe how conservative, prejudiced, and intolerant he was in those columns.

(via davyjonesing)

Also trans people.

Dan Savage doesn’t care about the T, and he’s been actively, grossly cissexist on many distinct occasions.

(via misterstibbons)

Not to mention asexuals, women, lower-class people, etc.
Let’s face it kids, Dan Savage is the most hypocritical douchebag in the queer rights movement.

But yes I agree with everything that has been posted above.

(via daelhorhota)

don’t forget that he thinks bisexuals in general need to “make up their mind” and that male bisexuals are essentially unicorns
(via freakingdork)
Also I have to add: fuck you Dan Savage you piece of shit.

FUN FACT Aaron Carter is a sexist misogynistic asshole dickwad...

Fri, 24 May 2013 09:36:30 -0400

FUN FACT Aaron Carter is a sexist misogynistic asshole dickwad douchecanoe.