Polycule

I think we’re doing it wrong. “We” being polyamorous folks and “it” being discussing polyamory with monogamous friends.

Often I’ve noticed, in myself as well as others, when faced with the daunting task of explaining polyamory to someone who’s either never heard of it or is being judgmental, we say things like “Well yeah but it’s not for everyone,” or “I know it’s not really normal, but it works for some people.” What does this accomplish? This further perpetuates the idea that polyamory is not normal, that it can’t be widespread, that these people are right in their judgments because we are agreeing that it’s a strange way to live.

And really, it’s not. This is normal for me. This is what works. Monogamy is the weird thing to me. And that’s okay. I am allowed to say that. I don’t have to apologize for thinking that. I don’t have to attempt to align myself with the people judging me by confirming what they say about polyamory being strange or unnatural.

Doing this is a defense mechanism that we bring out when we start to feel cornered, perhaps unintentionally, and perhaps subconsciously. It may not feel like an attack or that we’re being cornered, it may come in the form of coming out to a close friend and having her say “Wow I could never do that but it seems like it’s working for you” and you responding with “Yeah it is kinda weird and unconventional but it works for me.” This conversation happened recently and as soon as I responded in that way I immediately wanted to take it back. What I was doing in that situation was comforting my friend who thinks this whole thing is totally bizarre by agreeing with her. That is not the way to gain support or solidarity.

You guys. That friend is NOT being supportive. They’re just looking for a scapegoat response that exempts them from understanding and supporting you. When someone says “whatever works” or “as long as you’re happy,” do not misinterpret that to be support and encouragement. It’s a person who is communicating “I don’t see the things you’re saying, but I don’t want you to try and convince me otherwise, so just you do you, and I’ll do me.”

This goes both ways. When you agree that polyamory’s not normal, you’re basically giving that person permission not to be supportive of you. Stand up for what you know is right and good in your life, and don’t apologize for it. The more normal it is for you, the more normal it will be for everyone around you.