Polycule

There was a phase, a shortish phase, where my relationships with both C and S overlapped with B’s relationships with both C and S. There were a lot of amazing Sunday brunches and movie dates and trysts through the city with the 4 of us spending quality time together and being loving and affectionate and it just felt so right to me, to have this little unit of people that were in the universe defying paradigms together sitting on the floor around the coffee table eating homemade orange blossom pancakes.

But then S and B started traveling for work almost every other week, I got a new insanely busy job and had to go apartment hunting basically every night, and C sort of stopped being interested in a romantic relationship with B. I haven’t been to S and B’s apartment in weeks, maybe months, neither C nor I have seen B in weeks or months either. Brunches seem like the distant past. I was wearing a winter coat the last time we had one.

Obviously things are different, and I do not want to force any of our relationships back into this box that they don’t fit in just because I liked the way it worked for me. I am okay with where everyone’s relationships with each other are at right now. 

But I miss it, if I’m being totally honest. I’ve always said that in a perfect world I am in relationships that are wonderfully intertwined with everyone being involved with everyone, and this was sort of the perfect little manifestation of that fantasy for a little while. I can let it go easily enough, because it’s silly and unhealthy to wish for other people to do things the way you want. I don’t want it to be that way, not if everyone doesn’t feel exactly the same.

I’m just feeling nostalgic tonight, I guess.

And while I’m at it, if I’m being totally honest, I also really miss the few times I got to spend with just C and S and me together. While their relationship is totally platonic (yet serious — bromance, remember?), I really enjoyed being with them at the same time. I always felt so loved and amazing in those situations, walking through the city hand-in-hand with both of them, laughing together and being totally goofy and wonderful.

It’s not like anything happened between us and I can’t still have those moments, it’s just we’ve all been so busy that coordinating just two people to get together has been hard enough, three seems nearly impossible. And there is a lot in my relationship with each of them that I feel we need to work on, so I’ve been more inclined to spend quality one-on-one time with them. 

I think am starting to feel like I would be energized and refueled if we were able to do a three or four person dinner again. I just miss it. I miss them. I miss that those dates were easy and comfortable and came naturally.