Polycule

sorrowsongs:

If you’re poly, you’ve probably had to come out to a lot of people as poly and even to explain the idea of polyamory to people. Sometimes I enjoy doing this, and sometimes I hate being the defacto educator, the token poly person forced to speak for the community as a whole. I’m big into only speaking to my own experiences and trying not to co-opt others. Here’s a list of some of the regular reactions I get when talking to people about polyamory, and how I try to respond to them. 

1. “Don’t you get jealous of your partner seeing other people?” 

No, I don’t. Yes, I sometimes feel jealous. It’s only natural to feel jealous, but I don’t feel jealous that my partners have other partners. My partners aren’t my possession, and just because they love someone else doesn’t threaten me or our relationship. Sometimes, however, I do feel jealous because I feel like I’m not getting enough attention or time with my partner, and if that’s the way I feel, I try to communicate with them about why i’m feeling jealous and how my needs can be met. This usually solves the problem, and I encourage my partners to do the same. 

2. “Don’t you want to have a serious relationship/ How can a non-monogamous relationship be serious/ What if one day you want to be serious with one partner?”

I feel like this can best be described through: 

Significant otters aside (because man, I could talk about otters ALL DAY), my significant others are just that— they’re significant! Polyamory means many loves, and all of my partners have special places in my life. 

3. “But don’t you want to get married?”

No, not particularly. I respect those that do but I’m not interested in marriage. I might get a commitment/domestic partnership one day, but personally I feel that marriage is not that important to me. I do, however, support the idea of poly groups being able to become committed to each other and share the benefits of marriage, such as tax benefits, with multiple partners. I am also for legal protections of polyamorous relationships. 

4. “You are somehow more evolved than me/ I could never do that!”

No, I’m not. Yes, I’m sure that maybe you could, but maybe you’re not interested/never heard of polyamory/ never met someone else who was interested in polyamory, etc. Coming to polyamory was a journey for me, and being successful with it even more so. I’ll be the first to admit that i’ve made mistakes, a LOT of mistakes, and I had to hone my communication skills and learn to trust and respect my partners. But I also feel like these are important skills to have in any relationship, and that you should work on being able to communicate effectively with whomever you choose to date, mono or poly. 

5. “So you have a boyfriend and you sleep with other people?” 

No, that would be an open relationship. I have multiple partners and I don’t play casually with anyone (NOTE: totally not judging open relationships OR casual sex. What others do is their choice, but neither is right for me). All of my partners are “equal,” because I don’t believe in primaries or secondaries. Yes, I schedule a lot and it’s difficult, but I know how to manage time, make plans, and stick to them. And for my partners and I, it’s a very successful system.

6. “Wow, you’re a slut to have all those sexual partners/ a big fat cheater!”

No, I’m not, and you’re a sex-negative person. I practice safe-sex, I get tested regularly, and all of my partners are aware and consenting to be in a polyamorous situation and are safe with all of THEIR partners. And yes, I have awesome, awesome sex-positive, consensual, and downright amazing sex with all of them. And if all else fails: