This blog is about polyamory, queerness, and sex positivity -- I will chronicle my musings, opinions, advice, adventures, and misadventures in open relationships and exploring my gender and sexuality. Come along for the ride!
I am an early 20's polyamorous queer and genderqueer sometimes-ladyish person looking to create a society of understanding and acceptance of polyamory and sex positivity. Since most people are either unaware, unsupportive, or have misconceptions of polyamory, this blog is critical. And awesome. And will definitely make you smile. That's what really matters in the world, right? Right.
The most important thing about this blog is that it's here not just for me, but for you. With such a small (but growing!) polyamorous community online, it's important that we advocate for each other and speak up. This is my way of doing so. Please feel free to ask me questions or request topics for me to speak on.
[And peruse the links below for a better understanding of what Polycule is all about.]
Excerpted from What A Victim-Blaming World Looks Like To A Victim — an absolute must read in its entirety. Thanks to @brokeymcpoverty for bringing this to my attention. Trigger warning for references to sexual assault (both male and female)
(Some of the tags here apply to the full post. I have not read the links within that post).
- Mod D.
I will write in depth about this soon, but I came out to my parents & sister tonight without anyone’s head exploding from either rage or support, which in this family I’m counting as a win. My mom said some hurtful things and my dad said nearly nothing, which were the reactions I had braced for, but I know they both still love me in the way they are able to. Covered sexuality and open relationships, gender is another story for another day, maybe.
Everyone who sent notes to me via tumblr, I could not have done it without you. I reread all the notes on my previous post and asks that came in right before I told them. You all are my rock. For real.
Merry queerness to all, and to all a good night.
Guys heads up. When women try to talk to you about rape culture and you start deflecting with hypothetical gray situations, all we hear is you trying to convince yourself that you haven’t been an unknowing rapist in your past
coming out to my family this weekend terrified confused anxious weird what halp so many feelings
And a refresher for anyone who might be new.
So I was in a relationship for a year and a half, which ended in January (it does NOT feel like it’s been that long). That was a really hard and traumatizing and painful and damaging thing, both the relationship itself and the breakup, and I’m still putting the pieces together.
One of the things that made this thing a lot easier to handle was an unexpected relationship starting in May with an acquaintance/friend of my friends. He lives 4 hours away and we just sort of stumbled into a relationship but have been incredibly happy and I’m so lucky that he’s completely amazing. He’s excited about polyamory but new to it, so I have been revisiting a lot of concepts that I thought I’d mastered, having conversations that I have already managed in my own thoughts. It’s good for me to work through these things with him because it’s a humbling experience to remember that I’m not some poly expert who’s immune to the struggles simply because I have two years under my belt and he has zero. We’ve both felt jealousy, we’ve both struggled to talk about it, we’ve both discussed solutions and perceived future challenges, and we’re really close because of it. Long distance is incredibly hard, and frankly I hate it. But seeing him every few weeks is a million times better than not having him a part of my life at all.
About a month ago I also started seeing someone that lives here in New York. She’s absolutely incredible and I get butterflies just thinking about her. This is the first time in nearly a year and a half that I’ve been in two relationships at once, and it’s definitely different than the last time this happened: my long-distance love is new to this, he’s not necessarily interested in meeting my new partner, and I feel incredibly strong feelings for her right away which is new to me. I’m also used to dating poly people who have been poly for a long time, and who know and are friends with each other, so not having that component will take some getting used to. She’s in an open relationship with her live-in partner, which I’m super grateful for because I get really nervous dating people who aren’t polyamorous.
It will be an interesting journey navigating these relationships and trying to weave them together when they seem so separate. I’ve never been one for keeping parts of my life divided, so this will be a challenge for me.
The main poly-related struggles right now are: 1) how much to divulge to my long-distance love, as he is new to this and unsure of what sort of information he’ll be comfortable having. 2) navigating two relationships that aren’t at all connected. In the past I’ve only ever seriously dated people who were good friends, and were comfortable spending time together as a unit. It doesn’t seem like this will be the case when my partner is in town. 3) I fear inadvertently and accidentally creating a hierarchy with these two relationships, which I have always tried to avoid. One feels more close to me because of the time we’ve been together, the other feels more close because she is literally closer to me in distance. I worry that I’ll find myself in a position of feeling like I’ll be “demoting” my long-distance partner if I end up building a really intimate relationship with my close-distance partner. I want to do my best to maintain equality without depriving either relationship of a thing it might need or deserve.
So - this is where my life is now. It’s new and incredible and a wild adventure that I’ve never done before and I’m so unbelievably excited for these two amazing people being a part of my life.
"I don’t think we need to state our pronoun preferences during introductions, since no one here appears to be genderqueer," is a thing that was said in a "safe space" yesterday. As she became aware of the several feet lodged in her mouth, she continued, "I realize this is just an assumption based off of appearances" (then you should stop right there if you realize you’re generalizing) "but I think if someone’s got a preference for different pronouns they should just say it instead of all of us writing ours on our nametags, because it’s going to make it a big deal and be really alienating to people who don’t care much about pronouns."
Right. Because I’m concerned about alienating people who don’t have preferences, rather than creating space for people who are constantly misgendered to state their identity. It’s even more important in a space where “no one looks genderqueer” that we allow you to state your pronouns, because if “we all look cisgender,” just by that statement alone we’ve misgendered some in our community by removing their chance to challenge your stereotypes about what we look like.
Though I do have to say it felt really good to start a tirade with “as the token ‘genderqueer who doesn’t look like it…’”